What is in a number? Rather what is in an age?
I am now thirty-seven and I know I will spend the year saying things like “I am thirty-seven and will do whatever I damn well feel like”.
But what the hell does that mean?
I think it is supposed to mean that I am a grown ass woman who can do whatever she likes whenever she likes. As Julia Roberts famously said in “Pretty Woman”: “I say who, I say when”. This a line I quote on a frequent basis.
As I get use to saying my new age out loud and finding new freedoms I can associate with it, I have this unmistakable sense that this is the age I have been waiting to be. By that I mean that I have always thought thirty-seven is the age I would be when the life I had transformed into the life I have imagined. When what I was working and hoping for, actually became the life I lived on a daily basis.
Without going into specifics I am being to see the necessary steps I have to (and will) take to get there even though the path is not altogether clear. But I am confident enough to put what I have figured out into fruition.
As I stated in my “For 2019” blog (https://bit.ly/2sOaIyv) I am determined to make this year my year. I am working hard on cutting ties with negative thoughts and negative people. I only want people in my life that are truly there for me and give as much as they get. The hard part about this is that I thought I had eliminated all toxicity already in my life but that was not the case.
Sometimes the people you cherish, whom you consider blood whether they are or not, do not serve a purpose in elevating your journey in life. This is something I struggle to understand because I am learning that I am a person with only two gears: in or out.
I only know how to go all in when I love someone. To give all of myself, and my time, and my resources to that person’s benefit with no expectation of anything in return. I know what true loyalty and unconditional love feels like and now I must insist I also see what it looks like. I have to draw the line when something is requested of me no matter how big or small.
Despite the need I feel to work on my self preservation skills, my all out devotion to others is something I am remarkably proud of. It is a level of compassion that many are not capable of. I know I have the power to make others feel safe and loved and that makes me feel proud. Accomplished even.
We as a society always talk about unconditional self love and I have long been aware of its importance. But admittedly it is something I have struggled with. Whether it is not my weight, where I live, or what is in my bank account, I have found fault with something and struggled with unconditional self love because of it. I was faking it unconditional self love until I made it. Now, however, I feel I am closer to that goal more than ever before.
Finally, I truly see what I have to offer in relationships with friends, family, and to my future significant other, to the world, and mostly importantly toward myself.
I just hope I can maintain this level of commitment to myself and my growth. I feel that is the only way I will become who I always knew I could be.
I will work harder inside and out this year to ensure that the dreams I have will become realized. I am going to take my own advice and will it to be. I will shake off what doesn’t serve me on a higher plane.
While I am aware this progress will be something I have to build on every day, I am making a promise to my future self that I will. Knowing I can count on myself is a comfort I can rely on.
I will also be open to new experiences and new people and even more grateful for those already in my past and in my life.
I am appreciative that I got to spend a weekend with folks I cherish, exploring a state I have never been in before, and being honest about my new obsession with catuses (more about that in my future “Fun in Phoenix” blog).
My birthday celebration continued at home with a pizza themed dinner (see next post) which I know doesn’t surprise anyone who is aware of my love for #pizzafridays.
I have the opportunity to love those around me and let their love shine all through me. It is a blessing I will never forget to be thankful for.
I am pray that when I reflect on this year in the future I will look back and say; that year was hard, fun, enlightening, but most of all “thirty-seven was heaven”.