Well, it’s the dawn of a new day. A new year, more precisely. So what does that mean for me?
The truth is I don’t know.
I know that after scrolling endlessly on Instagram everyone else seems to be ready for whatever 2019 brings. From the graphics and emojis it appears that “they” all assume the coming year will bring nothing but blessings and increased joy.
I do not concur.
It is not that I am a pessimist or negative person. On the contrary, I find that I am the one who is more likely to look for the silver lining of a situation and try to remember to count my blessings, even when they wear disguises (https://bit.ly/2TrY7MA). However, it seems I am running low on the energy such positivity requires.
I do not find myself excited about a new year or rather confident that it will bring along the actualization of my long held dreams.
A big reason is that I am spent. Emotionally drained from the last six months of my life. I have had to endure traumas to my soul, that my spirit hasn’t quite recovered from. I am incredible exhausted so much that I no longer have to strength to be a cheerleader, even for myself, who ironically now needs it the most.
When you have so much going on in your personal life, stuff you know you will have to carry into the new year, alongside whatever “fun” surprises await you, it feels heavy. So heavy I don’t even want to think about it. More so, that I can’t even bring myself to wish, hope, or plan for the things that will go right.
It took looking back at my entire year for my #topnineof2018 to remember the good times I had. The trips I took to DC, LA, and Phoenix (blogs all pending), as well as the carefree days I had in order to realize that the year was filled with more good days than bad. Sometimes we just get in our own way.
I knew I was in trouble when the idea of writing didn’t even sound worth it. After all what is a writer who doesn’t want to write?
I feel like I am at a crossroads. And I am over it.
I am now finally acknowledging moments of joy that I can appreciate as I work to get my happiness back.
Sure the overall lessons of gratefulness and gratitude are not truly lost on me. In fact as I reread a blog I wrote in 2011 with that title (https://bit.ly/2F7acDb), it is my own words bringing me to tears. A lesson both of the many miracles I am privy too and the power of the written words; my words.
I suppose I just long for an extended stretch of time where I don’t have to focus on the silver linings in order to function. I want to have the emotional perseverance to get my hustle on and build my empire. But it is always harder to rally for ourselves than for those whom we love who needs us. Or at least it has been for me lately.
However, I am working towards that goal. Not merely because the year on the calendar has changed, but because it is what is next for me. This year will have to be the year of me. The year all of the attention, devotion, and love I can muster goes right back into my life.
The gift of 2018 was that I discovered the strength I knew I already had, was only a glimmer of how strong of a woman I actually am. When my spirit is more fully healed, enough to fight on, I know i have the power to make my dreams come true and then some.
It is with all of those moments in mind I say: bring it on 2019.
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