Skip to main content

For 2019


Well, it’s the dawn of a new day. A new year, more precisely. So what does that mean for me?

The truth is I don’t know. 

I know that after scrolling endlessly on Instagram everyone else seems to be ready for whatever 2019 brings. From the graphics and emojis it appears that “they” all assume the coming year will bring nothing but blessings and increased joy. 

I do not concur. 

It is not that I am a pessimist or negative person. On the contrary, I find that I am the one who is more likely to look for the silver lining of a situation and try to remember to count my blessings, even when they wear disguises (https://bit.ly/2TrY7MA). However, it seems I am running low on the energy such positivity requires. 

I do not find myself excited about a new year or rather confident that it will bring along the actualization of my long held dreams. 

A big reason is that I am spent. Emotionally drained from the last six months of my life. I have had to endure traumas to my soul, that my spirit hasn’t quite recovered from. I am incredible exhausted so much that I no longer have to strength to be a cheerleader, even for myself, who ironically now needs it the most. 

When you have so much going on in your personal life, stuff you know you will have to carry into the new year, alongside whatever “fun” surprises await you, it feels heavy. So heavy I don’t even want to think about it. More so, that I can’t even bring myself to wish, hope, or plan for the things that will go right. 

It took looking back at my entire year for my #topnineof2018 to remember the good times I had. The trips I took to DC, LA, and Phoenix (blogs all pending), as well as the carefree days I had in order to realize that the year was filled with more good days than bad. Sometimes we just get in our own way. 

I knew I was in trouble when the idea of writing didn’t even sound worth it. After all what is a writer who doesn’t want to write? 

I feel like I am at a crossroads. And I am over it. 

I am now finally acknowledging moments of joy that I can appreciate as I work to get my happiness back. 

Sure the overall lessons of gratefulness and gratitude are not truly lost on me. In fact as I reread a blog I wrote in 2011 with that title (https://bit.ly/2F7acDb), it is my own words bringing me to tears. A lesson both of the many miracles I am privy too and the power of the written words; my words.  


I suppose I just long for an extended stretch of time where I don’t have to focus on the silver linings in order to function. I want to have the emotional perseverance to get my hustle on and build my empire. But it is always harder to rally for ourselves than for those whom we love who needs us. Or at least it has been for me lately. 

However, I am working towards that goal. Not merely because the year on the calendar has changed, but because it is what is next for me. This year will have to be the year of me. The year all of the attention, devotion, and love I can muster goes right back into my life. 


The gift of 2018 was that I discovered the strength I knew I already had, was only a glimmer of how strong of a woman I actually am. When my spirit is more fully healed, enough to fight on, I know i have the power to make my dreams come true and then some. 

It is with all of those moments in mind I say: bring it on 2019. 




Comments

Popular posts from this blog

For My Madness During Migraine Awareness Month

Last weekend as I sat staring at the blank page in front of me, I was still surprised and elated that I had an entire day to myself and unlike past experiences it was filled with what I wanted when I wanted it. There were a few rough moments but when I consider the previous twelve hours (and the days to come) have been better than the last week. Especially this last week even though I had braced myself ahead of time, I just didn’t know I should have braced for a more serious episode. I am a chronic migraine sufferer for so many years I don’t quite remember when they started exactly which is ironic because I can remember every special event they have ruined. I remember plays or dinners I was at where I don’t remember what happened but I could tell you what I felt minute by minute. It amazing how the mind works, especially when it’s operated by a migraine brain. In the last few years, specifically the last few years since I have been going to the Montefiore Headac

For Find Out Friday - Why Do Emery Boards Make My Skin Crawl?

You know that sound a fingernail makes when it scratches against a chalkboard?  You know that feeling the sound of that action gives you? I, like most people, hate that sound.  I instantly feel like scrunching my shoulders up to my neck and closing my eyes.  I feel the exact same way when I am using an emery board to file my nails. This annoying sensation has a name: “grima” which is Spanish for disgust or uneasiness. This term basically describes any feeling of being displeased, annoyed, or dissatisfied someone or something.  It is a feeling that psychologists are starting to pay more attention to as it relates to our other emotions.  Emery boards are traditionally made with cardboard that has small grains of sand adhered to them. It is the sandpaper that I believe makes me filled with grima.  According to studies that are being done around the world, it is not just the feeling that we associate with certain things like nails on a chalkboard or by using emery boards

For a New Chain of Mexican Fast Food: “Dos Toros Taqueria”

When it comes to fast food there are the names we are familiar with: McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, and Chipotle.  In you live in New York City, there is a new kid in town: Dos Toros.  Dos Toros is relatively new to this area but with any hope there might be one in your town soon.  Started by two brothers, Leo and Oliver Kremer, from Berkeley, California, the Mexican food you find here is inspired by food they loved growing up.  In California, the brothers grew up worshipping Gordo Taqueria, a favorite of Bay Area residents since 1977 (now promptly added to my San Francisco to eat list). Much of the recipes and even decor found at Dos Toros has been modeled on Gordo. Before moving to NYC in 2008, the brothers were living very different lives. Leo was the bassist for the band “Third Eye Blind”. Oliver fresh out of college, considered working in the technology or finance industry. Both disillusioned with their lives, they decided to pursue something they have l