I am fine.
Actually fine, content, in my current state. It is not a lie I am telling myself or a thought that I am repeating so that it will become true.
It is the actual truth.
For the first time since I can remember I have taken all the pressure I put on myself for my birthday (and on myself daily for that matter) to be perfect. I have been down this road before, when as any December baby knows, no one can come out because of holiday plans, low funds, or there is a blizzard. We wait all year for our birthdays and when you make such efforts throughout the year for all of your loved ones special days you would like to see the love returned. Unfortunately life doesn’t work that way.
Instead of being disappointed about plans that did or didn’t pan out, friends who you didn’t hear from, or wishes that didn’t come true, I have decided to let it all go. There is no such thing as a perfect day when you are expecting it to be so. I have decided that whatever came my way was what was meant to be. After all the point of a birthday is to celebrate one’s existence and I am great as doing that each and every day.
As I made the transition from thirty-five to thirty-six I had the good fortune to spend the year doing what I love full-time. I no longer had to spend the day at a soul crushing place where I had been for the past eleven years. Now my days are full of writing, traveling, and creating an empire.
When you are living the life you imagine on a daily basis you no longer need any one perfect day because even on your worst days they are still the stuff that dreams are made of. Though I am still at the beginning of the next part of my journey I am grateful for every single day of it. I sacrificed and worked hard to get here and the next phase will take even more of both to get where I belong. But that is the good news. The one person solely responsible for my happiness is me.
Sure there are things I still long for in my life that I have yet to experience. All I can do is focus on the elements that I can control and work my hardest towards my goals. I am just another year closer to it all.
In the meantime I had a birthday full of love and family, just as my very wise and special little cousin hoped for me. Those who took the time out to remember me, wish me well, and share my day with me, are the people I treasure most in this world.
The older I get the less emotional availability I have for those who don’t deserve it. I have learned not to waste energy being disappointed. I have also learned that I will not lessen the compassion I have within myself or what I give of myself, depending on whether or not someone has earned it. For this only is a tribute to the kind of person I am.
I will not close parts of myself off to justify those who are unworthy. That would only make me like them and I am capable of so much more.
I suppose the honest truth is that my life is far from perfect. I am still working daily to love myself unconditionally. I strive to fulfill my complete potential. I want to be present in all moments aware of how fleeting they are.
As of this past Sunday I am one year old older, bolder, and stronger.
I’m thirty-six. Ain’t nothing to fix!!
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