For once I wish I wasn’t so wise. For years I have been preaching for people to enjoy Valentine’s Day no matter if you are single or coupled up (http://thequeenoff-ckingeverything.blogspot.com/2013/02/for-st-valentine-and-true-love.html). But for the very first time in my life I had trouble taking my own advice. For reasons that weren’t originally apparent to me the last couple of weeks I hated any reminder of this so-called Hallmark holiday.
After all of the self-reflection I have been doing lately I was surprised to learn that there was one area of my life that suddenly felt like it wasn’t on track. Despite my usual feeling that I am not ready for a serious relationship or to have children of my own yet, this year I found myself feeling sad leading up to this day. It threw me for a loop. I had been so positive and in good spirits finally feeling that all of the stars were aligning leading me to very own yellow brick road.
So what was it that had me feeling so down and out? Lonely even though I still enjoyed my own company? I still had the love of my friends and family but for some reason none of that seemed to be enough. I was becoming insane trying to figure out why I was seemingly depressing the hell out of myself. The answer was obvious and complicated at the same time.
I hated getting a barrage of many emails from my favorite restaurants wanting me to book a table for two to have a romantic dinner. Did I wish I had a pack of single girlfriends to go out boozing with? Definitely but my life isn’t scripted like a movie, which ironically I think plays a part in getting these “normal” Valentines plans into our heads in the first place.
When assessing my own situation I wasn’t thinking about valentines and true love exactly. If I am being honest I would have to say that it was the birth of a brand new healthy baby boy in my family about two weeks ago that triggered something within. While I am beyond excited for the new addition and cannot get enough of his adorable delicious face, it made me a bit blue. Not because I was jealous. More like this new family was showing me all of the things I hope to have some day and how lucky they were to have a wonderful marriage between two soul mates who were now looking into the eyes of the amazing life they have created. It is such a beautiful site and I was getting a baby high.
It got me thinking about where I am in my own life. While my writing is going swimmingly it is hard when only one part of your life is moving forward. I am happy to remain on my journey and feel I have to get to a different level with my own success before I am ready to create a bigger existence.
But thirty-four can be an odd stage when you are not married with kids and most of the people you know are. No matter what you are ready for making friends and meeting casual if not significant others can be hard. You aren’t in school or necessarily finding your peers out in the real world. Hell it can be hard enough just to find someone that you already know that you can stand to vacation with at the same time and price as you can. Some days I would just like it to be easier, more convenient to go out and be social.
As a woman who is an eternal researcher I have bought myself this new book about relationships by Whoopi Goldberg (see link below). The title made me laugh so that made me read the description. I think some laughs surrounded by rational advice will be worth reading through.
The second book that is on my mind, that would be by my spirit animal (http://thequeenoff-ckingeverything.blogspot.com/2015/09/for-magical-meeting-with-my-mentor.html) extraordinaire Elizabeth Gilbert. For as much as I would cherish a beloved doting husband I have some things to figure out first.
What I have learned in this time is that I am not the only one who can feel like this. That other people my age with different levels of success are also seeking to establish more well rounded lives no matter what kind of pieces they feel are currently missing. Thank God my very wise friend pointed that out to me. She is always right especially when she said the “grass is always greener on the other side”. Got it.
I also found out that the adorable new little bundle was making more than just me come down with baby fever, which incidentally is now rapid. I was happy when I started seeing it on someone else’s face for a change. My own face has had a smile on it when realized this Valentines Day was more then I could have hoped for. I wore a shirt reminding me that my favorite city was near my heart and ate a good deal of my favorite treats. I am certainly eager to see what next year’s holidays bring. Apparently these life lessons are all apart of my thirty-four year old truths (http://thequeenoff-ckingeverything.blogspot.com/2015/12/for-my-34-year-old-truth.html).
Now that I have returned to my body my emotions are also in check. I realize that I have always loved pregnant women and newborn babies. Kids are some of the most precious parts of my life. Accepting that my time will come I look forward with the love I already have in my life, including my brilliant, beautiful girl who was my valentine. A good squish from my niece is always good for my soul.
I feel like I am the one who is usually doing all of the thinking, sharing, and loving and sometimes you just need a token to remind you that the ones you love, love you right back. I am thankful for the great weekend I had and even for having to process these emotions. It made my life’s awareness that much richer. I am glad I wrote my way through too; it is how I know I got the clues left for me. I hate being out of control of my emotions at times but I have to listen closely so that my strength does not block my vulnerability. Otherwise I will never continue to grow as a person.
Just to be clear I was not throwing myself a pity party. In fact I feel it is quite the opposite. By exploring these feelings to find their causes I now know to make a more specific list of the goals I want and when I would like them to happen. This way I can take the appropriate steps even a few years ahead of time. This control gives me back the power I felt I had lost momentarily in my life.
Going out crossing things off my blog’s to do list this weekend also helped bring “me” back to me. That joy never ceases to amaze me. It is reassuring to know that the life I have created for myself thus far is exactly what it should look like. From here I just have to write and send it out into the universe.
Most importantly I will continue to remind myself every day to “just keeping going no matter what”, so that’s just what I’ll do.
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