It was a slow and gradual process until it wasn't.
I was able to simultaneously live in a world of denial and avoidance knowing that it loomed there in the shadows waiting for me to face it head on.
Not until I was able to fully comes to term with needing eye surgery was I than ready to proceed with it. Actually what really forced my hand was that my life was forced to come to a crashing halt in more ways than I could truly handle.
My last blog post is dated February 5th of this year and that was the day before I had cataract surgery on my right eye. I remember very clearly how I struggled adjusting all the mechanics on my computer and even moving it back and forth from me to see if that helped. It did not. I practically gave myself a migraine trying to proofread it and to this day have not been able to bring myself to re-read it and check for errors. I will as soon as I am done here.
What I have wanted to tell you for so long now, is that my blog - once a strong source of pride, passion, and love for me had turned into a constant remember that I was slowly losing my eyesight. That fact was abundantly clear, even though my vision was not.
I have struggled deciding how to tell, briefly, this story in this format.
Since April 2, 2019, I have had a Youtube Channel called “My Chronic Migraine Life”. I will add a link down below for those who wish to check it out. I will also link to other blogs I have posted about my life as someone who has chronic migraines.
I have been using that format to describe in detail what it was like for me at the height of my chronic migraine illness and what challenges have come my way even as my health has improved.
But in terms of blogs I have not gone in to depth on many occasions about this and I thought before I begin posting blogs and playing catch-up (oh there will be tons from last year’s activities coming at you soon), I needed to clear the air.
I wanted my readers, and yes me too, to stop for a second and have an honest talk about what had been keeping my blogs at bay.
The cliff notes version goes something like this:
- In November 2018 I learned I had Posterior Sub-Capsular cataracts which would increasing get worse until I had surgery in each eye.
- Doctors had no idea why I had cataracts so young (I am currently thirty-eight) but suspect it has to do with the numerous medications I took for ten years to survive my intense chronic migraine illness.
- My chronic migraines were debilitating on such a level that there were years were I did nothing but stay in bed and go to the doctor.
- Starting in 2013 (and to this day) I go for Botox as a preventive medication to curtail most of my migraines. That procedure requires forty-one shots to my head and neck, every three months.
- By November 2019 I could no longer drive, see ingredients on recipes I had printed out, or read just about anything.
- By January 2020 I was having trouble seeing anything in direct sunlight and beginning to lose the ability to see even the facial details of members of my family in the presence of certain lighting.
- Finally after finding the right surgeon and going for tests, I had my first cataract surgery on my right eye on February 6th, 2020.
- After spending nearly five weeks dealing with the horrendous effects of having very different vision in my eyes and dealing with my chronic migraine brain, I had my second surgery on my left eye on March 10th, 2020.
- Recovering from that surgery includes dealing with the possibility of retina detachment and going for regular check-ups to hopefully avoid further, more serious surgeries.
- Finally celebrating milestones likes reading, driving, and even being able to tweeze my eyebrows.
Everyday literally brings something new. Yesterday was no different.
As I was driving around my neighborhood something suddenly caught my attention and stopped me (emotionally at least) in my tracks. I was driving!!
Sure I have been doing so for over a month by now but this was the first time since last fall I was doing so in a car all by myself!!
The picture you see at the beginning of this blog was taken yesterday as I stumbled upon it shortly after this realization.
The rush of adrenaline from acknowledging that fact flooded my body. That is when I knew I had to relaunch my blog today. It was the very last milestone I had to complete to put my life back together again, this time knowing it would be better than ever.
As I sit here and type this, I am moved to tears.
I had forgotten how much pleasure I derived from just sitting down and typing whatever came into my heart. I had gotten use to enjoying the immediacy of posting a video and being done with it. But as I have no editing skills quite yet, it takes a great deal to prepare before filming. Preparation was never ever apart of my writing. Sure there was plenty of research but the writing always just flowed.
I guess I have put off this post partly because I was afraid that feeling / talent / skill whatever you want to call it was gone. But it is not! Apparently the exact opposite is true. My love for writing has only deepened because I know what it is like to lose it. I will never take it for granted again.
So as I sit here typing (with glasses on occasionally) hearing the silence of my house with only the sound of the clicking of my keyboard, I know for a fact that is the most beautiful noise in the entire world.
For “My Chronic Migraine Life” Youtube Series:
(link also found on first page of blog site)
For Previous Migraine Related Blogs (in no particular order):