Skip to main content

For 2020

At the stroke of midnight I was sobbing.

The kind of ugly, uncontrollable sobbing you would prefer to do in private, if at all. 

But I was surrounded by a small group of family and friends, AKA my nearest and dearest. So while they have seen me at my worst, at that moment I would have preferred to process that level of emotion solo. 

However, the tears were out of my control. I eventually managed to pull it together but the significance of that moment - the ending of one decade and the beginning of a brand new one - would never be lost on me. 

At the beginning of last year, I proclaimed (out loud) that it was going to be my year. And it was. My year of pushing past old pain, new struggles, all while I began to process old pain and heal. I just had no idea that when I made that proclamation that is what I meant. 

Ultimately it was a productive year. But I find that when we don’t see big changes or advancements in our lives immediately we feel unsuccessful. It takes months, even years, often to take the thousands upon thousands of steps needed to truly change our lives for the better. Life and sometimes even ourselves can get in the way. I’ve learned that when and if that happens, it too is okay.

For me in particular, the end of 2019 also brought along the end of a decade of pain - physical pain that is. My Chronic Migraine Life (also the name of my Youtube Channel) is the life I actually lived for the past ten years. My migraines and the suffering I endured became at times my sole identity. They were the first thing I thought about in the morning and if I managed to sleep at all, the last thing I though about before I fell asleep at night. I would lay in bed at night (and many days) staring at my bedroom walls that surrounded me. The framed pictures of vacations and good times seemed to all be behind me. Very often my last thoughts before falling asleep consisted of wondering if there would ever be any new journeys from my bucket list that I would ever get to cross off (and ultimately frame). 

Slowly, things got better. Actually at first they got worse. MUCH worse. But eventually my hard work at trying to reclaim who I was on the inside paid off. The places I longed to visit, the special moments I longed to be apart of and create, were actually happening. It was like a dream. 

But as I recovered I also learned I had A LOT of pain to process in order to truly heal. It turns out I spent 2019 doing a large part of that and my channel was the way I did it. Sharing what I learned and what I really went through helped me more than words can say. It is my solemn wish and prayer that it does the same for at least one person out there suffering from a chronic, yet invisible illness. 

The journey I went on to get well and teach myself how to accept my life where it is today has ultimately led me to this positive place within myself. I now know how strong I am and that no matter what life throws my way I have the tools to deal with it. I know that the only way through our hard times is to actually go through them. Only once they are in the rear view mirror can we actually begin the long process of healing. Processing my pain, both physical and emotional, has been an ordeal for me. But now I can use all that I have learned to help others which is what I hope my Youtube Channel is doing. However, that is only the very tip of the iceberg. 

While this past decade brought me some of the biggest challenges of my life it also brought some of the greatest joys. There were the beautiful babies that came into my life, the friends who showed me their love knows no bounds, and the appreciation not only for what I have but WHO I have. 

Specifically, 2019 brought many smiles to my face. I returned to the gym for the first time since before I got sick and while it too was hard at first, I have come to love going. 

Then there is the cooking. I have spent several years working on #dinneralaDonna and now feel like I am finally found my groove in the kitchen. I proudly hosted my first Thanksgiving. I found a confidence when cooking that is spilling over into other parts of my life. I know that this new year will finally bring my long awaited cookbook to fruition. 

Most exciting, 2019 gave me the opportunity to realize my childhood dream of meeting Melissa Joan Hart. It all began with a blog - which also started in the past decade - and before I knew it I had a personally autographed book and a picture of the two of us in a frame. It is not lost on me that this frame is new and not one that I spent so many lonely nights in agony staring at. That in itself is yet another dream come true. 

With these struggles in the past I feel a new found sense of purpose. I feel that I am in the best place possible to begin living this new life of mine that will include health, love, and success. The person I was before would have not been prepared to live the life I have long imagined. But now I am. 

This year I am going to embrace the mistakes I will make because I know they will only make me better and take my life to the next level. 

I will accept that timing is everything and believe I am exactly where I should be in my life’s journey.

Most importantly, I am going to give myself a break.

I have always been really great at showing up for people I love. 

Now, I finally know what it is like to show up for myself. 


For More on My Vision For 2020, watch:




Comments

Popular posts from this blog

For My Madness During Migraine Awareness Month

Last weekend as I sat staring at the blank page in front of me, I was still surprised and elated that I had an entire day to myself and unlike past experiences it was filled with what I wanted when I wanted it. There were a few rough moments but when I consider the previous twelve hours (and the days to come) have been better than the last week. Especially this last week even though I had braced myself ahead of time, I just didn’t know I should have braced for a more serious episode. I am a chronic migraine sufferer for so many years I don’t quite remember when they started exactly which is ironic because I can remember every special event they have ruined. I remember plays or dinners I was at where I don’t remember what happened but I could tell you what I felt minute by minute. It amazing how the mind works, especially when it’s operated by a migraine brain. In the last few years, specifically the last few years since I have been going to the Montefiore Headac

For Find Out Friday - Why Do Emery Boards Make My Skin Crawl?

You know that sound a fingernail makes when it scratches against a chalkboard?  You know that feeling the sound of that action gives you? I, like most people, hate that sound.  I instantly feel like scrunching my shoulders up to my neck and closing my eyes.  I feel the exact same way when I am using an emery board to file my nails. This annoying sensation has a name: “grima” which is Spanish for disgust or uneasiness. This term basically describes any feeling of being displeased, annoyed, or dissatisfied someone or something.  It is a feeling that psychologists are starting to pay more attention to as it relates to our other emotions.  Emery boards are traditionally made with cardboard that has small grains of sand adhered to them. It is the sandpaper that I believe makes me filled with grima.  According to studies that are being done around the world, it is not just the feeling that we associate with certain things like nails on a chalkboard or by using emery boards

For a New Chain of Mexican Fast Food: “Dos Toros Taqueria”

When it comes to fast food there are the names we are familiar with: McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, and Chipotle.  In you live in New York City, there is a new kid in town: Dos Toros.  Dos Toros is relatively new to this area but with any hope there might be one in your town soon.  Started by two brothers, Leo and Oliver Kremer, from Berkeley, California, the Mexican food you find here is inspired by food they loved growing up.  In California, the brothers grew up worshipping Gordo Taqueria, a favorite of Bay Area residents since 1977 (now promptly added to my San Francisco to eat list). Much of the recipes and even decor found at Dos Toros has been modeled on Gordo. Before moving to NYC in 2008, the brothers were living very different lives. Leo was the bassist for the band “Third Eye Blind”. Oliver fresh out of college, considered working in the technology or finance industry. Both disillusioned with their lives, they decided to pursue something they have l