As I sit
here and begin to write this it is on my last day of my thirty-second year. I
hardly know where to start. It is remarkable what a difference a year makes. I
am in such a different and many ways better place than I was this time last
year. For proof all you have to do is see the date on that blog which was
posted on February 17th of this year. As you will learn much has
changed since then.
First of
all I have left my house since I posted that blog. I don’t just mean out of my house
but out of my city. This was the first year I have traveled since 2012 and just
like 2013 was a blow to my spirits because I was not able to do so, this year
was uplifting because I was able to go and do. I saw many things that were
hidden in a file in the back of my mind for so long I felt the dust collecting
within me. I knew how badly I yearned to stretch those muscles I use when I
plan, photograph, and take a vacation. For me vacations preserve life,
especially all of the “regular” days in betweens experiences.
My
passion to seek out the places I read about and the excitement I get from
researching them further is almost indescribable. I feel my soul swell ten
times the size of my body. I am practically bursting at the seams. The joy only
extends when those dreams become reality. At every turn as I absorb my new
surroundings and the sights I long to be in, my heart begins to soar all over
again.
Then
there are the moments when I return home that bring back the thrill one last
time. I am overwhelmed by the stories I want to write down and tell my friends.
Reviewing my photos and key moments brings a smile to my face in ways that
nothing else can. This may seem like a lot of emotion for a two or three day
trip but for me it isn’t the quantity but the quality of my vacations. The
destination needed be far away as long as it is a place I long for that I get
to cross off my bucket list. I have learned just this year that it doesn’t even
matter if it is a place I know I have to return to in order to finish what I
started. Now I know and am happy with the fact that I got to go at all and see
what I did. Whereas in my past any change in plans would have destroyed the
trip I had built up in my mind, I am now at peace within the boundaries of each
visit. This is also a lesson I have extended to my life as a whole.
Each year
as I grow and strive to become the woman I want to be (yes I am stealing that
from Diane von Fursternberg) it still surprises me how many lessons I have to
learn and how many times it may take before I really get what I am suppose to
from my experiences. But nowadays I am striving to be kinder to myself when
things out of my control go awry. I also have to learn to give less of myself
to those who do not deserve it and appreciate those in my life who remain on my
side no matter what. Even when you think you have whittled out the crazies from
your life, you can be surprised by who lets you down next. Sometimes these are
people that will have to be in our lives so I am trying to really see people,
as there are when they show me their true selves.
Next I
want to learn to rely on myself again. I mean this is an emotional way. I have
always been my greatest source of comfort but when dealing with my chronic
migraine illness I never know where my day might take me. I have become
doubtful and leery when I make plans because I know there will be a chance
things will not go as I hope. While I have learned how to deal with this
feeling it never gets any easier. It makes me harder on myself than I need to
be. So going forward I am going to build up my personal strength and remember
that I can rely on the decisions I make no matter what may come. I feel like
these are personal resolutions that I am making now instead of on New Years. I
am giving myself a year, until my next birthday, to become the version of
myself I am picturing in my future.
So now
that I have laid out my goals I want to also be sure to revel in my successes.
Travel was for sure on the top of my list. I broke out of the staycation mold. But
this last year I also saw success in my career. I say career because I am meant
to be a writer, my job however is what pays for my health insurance.
It came
as a great surprise when a fellow blogger and foodie, who runs the site
Komeeda, asked me to write for them. They were interested in what I could
contribute, as they enjoyed my work, and it was an honor to be asked. I happily
filed many restaurant reviews and hope we can continue working together in the
future. It was this great experience that appeared out of the blue that shows
me what is possible in my future. I can actually say I am a published writer
for two websites. I hope I only get busier from here. I am going to take a
lesson from my beloved Joan Rivers and when I lay in bed at night I am going to
ask myself if I have done everything I can for my career today. It worked out
pretty good for her.
Last year
I wrote about my despair in having a quiet birthday at home. I realize now that
it was a healing process I needed to go through. When it came time to think
about plans for my birthday I ran through a list of things in my mind that I
love to do that I could do on my special day. I knew I would not be going away
and I didn’t want to do anything like I have before. I think I might be past the
days of going out to a bar, although I am happy to report this is the first
year in four that I have had alcohol and its so nice to know that I can
incorporate it back into my life.
I decided
that I just would go out to eat locally with my family on my birthday. I
realized that my daily life includes all of the things many would reserve for a
special occasion, like celebrating a birthday. That is I book massages, plays,
concerts, fancy dinners, etc. on a Saturday in November. For that matter these
events also can happen on a weeknight at any time in the year. I truly believe
that my heart should not want for anything or regret missing an experience when
it is at my fingertips. I mean in recent months I had been in a room with the
second woman on the United States Supreme Court and met Bradley Cooper!! I mean
seriously. I really do have the life, the life I am imaging.
Even
better I know that I have more birthday dinners and celebrations in the next
month so I will be enjoying myself in the tradition to which I have become
accustom.
I have a
feeling 2015 is going to be my ultimate year so far.
For Past
Reflections:
For My
Other Writings:
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