"The most important thing is to enjoy your
life - to be happy - it's all that matters."
-Audrey Hepburn
Well its official, I am
thirty-two and have been for two months as of today. I have been thinking for a
long time now about what that means to me and what I wanted to say about it. It
has been a struggle. I can’t seem to make heads or tails of it. My age has
never really bothered me before and it doesn’t now, but I want to search for
its deeper meaning now that I am in my second year of my third decade.
I recently had an
experience to look over the pictures of my life and it was like a flash of all
of the things and people that were most important to me. It was a combination
of surprises, laughs, and tears. There were memories I cherished and others I
couldn’t connect to, that had felt like I was looking at the life of another
girl in those photos.
Every time I have told
myself today is the day you have to write this blog I just couldn’t. I would
get writer’s block. The only times I have coherent thoughts are the most
inconvenient moments when I have nowhere to write anything down. By the time I
am ready to write my emotions and thoughts are shut down and I just can’t. When
you are going to write about something so personal and want to explore your
soul you have to be in the right frame of mind, timing is everything, and
unfortunately life doesn’t always work with you. So here I sit finally at
midnight with the quiet I need both internally and externally.
As I have settled into the
thirty-second year old version of myself I am finally realizing many things.
For starters, I am just this version of myself. I always looked back at old
pictures and figured I was different people as I grew but now I know I am the
same person with the same foundation just different versions at different
stages.
Secondly, I am ready to
admit to myself and perhaps the world the things I want, and have always
wanted, that I am no longer willing to wait for. This year as I see so many
dreams being lived by loved ones I am jealous. Not of what they have but that
as I sit here I am at the same point as was the day before but am not the same
person as the day before and am not certain that those around me know the
difference.
Thirdly, am I the one
getting in my own way? Am I doing everything to make my life all it can be or
am I the real reason I am disappointed that everyday is the same as it was last
year? I watch movies based on the true stories of amazing people who do brave
and courageous things to save their families or change their lives and just
this week it occurred to me that the reason I have always been drawn to these
dramas is because I wish I had a little bit of that in me. Now I wonder. I
don’t need to conquer the world but rather just seize my own. What does it
take? Honestly I don’t know. But it will be far worse if I was aware that I
needed to make changes and instead simply sat and watched time pass me by.
I have always been a big
believer in birthday celebrations and the last few years mine have been better
and better. I have almost always gone away or gone some place amazing for
dinner. However this year I faced my biggest fear- my birthday falling flat on
it’s face. I know it sounds trivial but when you don’t go out much as it is,
you are on a budget and deal with an illness it puts all the more pressure on
the good time you have built up in your mind. My plans fell through because of
the venue and then on the actual day of my birth there was practically a
blizzard. I was left home alone unable to see anyone or go anywhere. I had to
face that this was the way I was ringing in my thirty-second year. And if this
was how it was beginning was it the way I was destined to spend it?
I began to question
everything. When you feel weighed down by the world or your thoughts you don’t
want to share them or hear a casual “don’t worry it will get better” from well
meaning people.” This is especially true if it is coming from people who have
never taken the time or the hard work to examine their lives. For those who do
are taking responsibility for their happiness and success, and are willing to
acknowledge the choices they are making they are the brave ones as far as I am
concerned.
This song put life all
into prospective for me:
As it turns out my
birthday was just fine. Actually it was more than fine because once I decided
not to pity myself and acknowledge what was in front of my face then was easy
to see all the positives. I had been given my favorite pastry for breakfast and
the perfect mug to drink my coffee in. Lunch too was specially delivered. Then
after watching my favorite movie “A Wonderful Life” (ironic I know) in a room
lit only by the lights of my Christmas tree (this was December after all), I
spent the afternoon on the phone with loved ones calling with their well
wishes. I ordered dinner in with my family and opened gifts. I think the big
finish was that when I was done I still had a slew of photographs to upload.
For me if I had truly done nothing and had no memory of that day to record that
would have been the real heartache. With these pictures I had the proof and the
reminder that I still had a lot more than most and that I was grateful for a
pleasant day. I would have to try to carry that feeling with me everyday even
after the days when it is just too hard. I just start over the next day.
It is ironic to me now
that in the months I delayed this blog, I considered not writing another entry
every again as I felt as though I was giving myself a school assignment that I
dreaded. In between the reviews of my adventures these spiritual explorations
are my true purpose. Even though I go in and out, and up and down, with my
feelings on these matters lately I know that is just a part of life especially
the part that defines the major decisions in who you are and what you will
become.
For now I guess this will
have to be my mantra:
I am just wondering how
long it will take until I have fully discovered who I am and when I will be
ready for the life I long for. I know right now I am not ready for the family that
I will want some day but I hope that I am in the process of preparing myself
for a career that will satisfy all of the passions that run so deep inside of
me.
For Past Birthday Blogs:
Im speechless as usual.. Your writing takes my breath away. Love you with all my heart.
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