"The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it's all that matters."
Well its official, I am thirty-two and have been for two months as of today. I have been thinking for a long time now about what that means to me and what I wanted to say about it. It has been a struggle. I can’t seem to make heads or tails of it. My age has never really bothered me before and it doesn’t now, but I want to search for its deeper meaning now that I am in my second year of my third decade.
I recently had an experience to look over the pictures of my life and it was like a flash of all of the things and people that were most important to me. It was a combination of surprises, laughs, and tears. There were memories I cherished and others I couldn’t connect to, that had felt like I was looking at the life of another girl in those photos.
Every time I have told myself today is the day you have to write this blog I just couldn’t. I would get writer’s block. The only times I have coherent thoughts are the most inconvenient moments when I have nowhere to write anything down. By the time I am ready to write my emotions and thoughts are shut down and I just can’t. When you are going to write about something so personal and want to explore your soul you have to be in the right frame of mind, timing is everything, and unfortunately life doesn’t always work with you. So here I sit finally at midnight with the quiet I need both internally and externally.
As I have settled into the thirty-second year old version of myself I am finally realizing many things. For starters, I am just this version of myself. I always looked back at old pictures and figured I was different people as I grew but now I know I am the same person with the same foundation just different versions at different stages.
Secondly, I am ready to admit to myself and perhaps the world the things I want, and have always wanted, that I am no longer willing to wait for. This year as I see so many dreams being lived by loved ones I am jealous. Not of what they have but that as I sit here I am at the same point as was the day before but am not the same person as the day before and am not certain that those around me know the difference.
Thirdly, am I the one getting in my own way? Am I doing everything to make my life all it can be or am I the real reason I am disappointed that everyday is the same as it was last year? I watch movies based on the true stories of amazing people who do brave and courageous things to save their families or change their lives and just this week it occurred to me that the reason I have always been drawn to these dramas is because I wish I had a little bit of that in me. Now I wonder. I don’t need to conquer the world but rather just seize my own. What does it take? Honestly I don’t know. But it will be far worse if I was aware that I needed to make changes and instead simply sat and watched time pass me by.
I have always been a big believer in birthday celebrations and the last few years mine have been better and better. I have almost always gone away or gone some place amazing for dinner. However this year I faced my biggest fear- my birthday falling flat on it’s face. I know it sounds trivial but when you don’t go out much as it is, you are on a budget and deal with an illness it puts all the more pressure on the good time you have built up in your mind. My plans fell through because of the venue and then on the actual day of my birth there was practically a blizzard. I was left home alone unable to see anyone or go anywhere. I had to face that this was the way I was ringing in my thirty-second year. And if this was how it was beginning was it the way I was destined to spend it?
I began to question everything. When you feel weighed down by the world or your thoughts you don’t want to share them or hear a casual “don’t worry it will get better” from well meaning people.” This is especially true if it is coming from people who have never taken the time or the hard work to examine their lives. For those who do are taking responsibility for their happiness and success, and are willing to acknowledge the choices they are making they are the brave ones as far as I am concerned.
This song put life all into prospective for me:
As it turns out my birthday was just fine. Actually it was more than fine because once I decided not to pity myself and acknowledge what was in front of my face then was easy to see all the positives. I had been given my favorite pastry for breakfast and the perfect mug to drink my coffee in. Lunch too was specially delivered. Then after watching my favorite movie “A Wonderful Life” (ironic I know) in a room lit only by the lights of my Christmas tree (this was December after all), I spent the afternoon on the phone with loved ones calling with their well wishes. I ordered dinner in with my family and opened gifts. I think the big finish was that when I was done I still had a slew of photographs to upload. For me if I had truly done nothing and had no memory of that day to record that would have been the real heartache. With these pictures I had the proof and the reminder that I still had a lot more than most and that I was grateful for a pleasant day. I would have to try to carry that feeling with me everyday even after the days when it is just too hard. I just start over the next day.
It is ironic to me now that in the months I delayed this blog, I considered not writing another entry every again as I felt as though I was giving myself a school assignment that I dreaded. In between the reviews of my adventures these spiritual explorations are my true purpose. Even though I go in and out, and up and down, with my feelings on these matters lately I know that is just a part of life especially the part that defines the major decisions in who you are and what you will become.
For now I guess this will have to be my mantra:
I am just wondering how long it will take until I have fully discovered who I am and when I will be ready for the life I long for. I know right now I am not ready for the family that I will want some day but I hope that I am in the process of preparing myself for a career that will satisfy all of the passions that run so deep inside of me.
For Past Birthday Blogs:
Im speechless as usual.. Your writing takes my breath away. Love you with all my heart.ReplyDelete