As the end of the second month of 2014 begins, I have begun to wonder how quickly this year will fly by. Will it pass as quickly as 2013 did for me? What will that mean for me? I am after all, still processing the past year.
When I look back on 2013 my instinct is to shutter and thank the heavens it is over. I did not travel to any exotic location. I did not make any major strides in my personal life, in either my job or writing career. It was quite the opposite actually. I felt sick a great deal of the time and was overburdened because of it, trying to muddle from one month to another and from one task to another. Every time I told myself it would get better but it never seemed to. Sometimes in life you just need a break. I have often wished I could hit a pause button and lay down on the couch watching t.v. without having any negative effects. But life doesn’t work that way and sometimes no matter what our problems or goals are, time is what we are really up against. This I have decided was my truth and I had to acknowledge it so I could set it free. It has taken this amount of time and reflection for me to accept this piece of self-education.
The loss of time is the hardest and one of the most distressing side effects of being a chronic migraine patient. While this blog is not about my illness it is important to understand why I have come to loose so much time and work without being able to control it.
After weeks at a time here and there, of being out of work and out of commission to read and write, it is hard to go back to both. You have lost your groove and while you promise yourself you will do it when you can something inside goes away. When I am finally functional, sitting down to write and seeing how far behind I am just depresses me further. In my mind I have all the ideas and words all worked out for so long that the reality hurts even more. Sometimes it is easier just to ignore it. Then of course there is the reason that after starting to return back to my schedule I may not be able to work at night either. It’s a double edge sword.
So when New Years Eve rolls around and everyone is posting and talking about the highlights of their year I dread it, especially this last one. It was like a black cloud following over my head. And while the beginning of a new year is suppose to signify hope and the possibility of all things to come, it really only is the changing of one day into another. As intelligent adults we know we will need more time than that for real change to happen, to improve our lives so that we can truly and finally be where we are meant to be.
As 2014 has settled in I have gotten use to the idea that things might really be able to be better even if they are off to a slow start. I have learned that I have to write eventually no matter the time or topic, if it’s important to me. If it is a thought I have had for more than one day I have to get it out. I thought writing was my passion but it is turned out to be more than that; it is my power; my life source. It is the last remaining piece of the puzzle if I want to go back to being myself.
Today I have all of my power and am fully present and will be taking this year one day at a time and when New Years Eve rolls around once again I hope to be happier, wiser, and more content.